just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
