i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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