Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
