Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have so many feelings about this burrito
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
