Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my shit smells like andre
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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