Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
