"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
