the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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