Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
The best revenge is premature balding
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
