New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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