How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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