I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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