K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
