So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
