I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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