I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
