And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I am one with the molecules
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
