my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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