I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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