Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
