is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
