The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
