I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
