shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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