just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
