So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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