the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
