first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
