he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
