I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
