I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
