I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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