Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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