Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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