My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
