Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
