There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
