I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
