I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
