I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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