I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
