Pants 0. Shit 1.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
