I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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