I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
