I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
