My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
