the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
