He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
