You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
