I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
